mylittlejamjar | 14th Profile

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14th Profile - [Visual/Action]

I understand that there's been a few new faces in the community that I've yet to see, so let me use this chance to introduce myself to any newcomers that may not know me.

I'm FBI Special Agent Francis York Morgan. Please, call me York. That's what everyone calls me. [Complete with requisite badge flashing to the scroll!] I currently reside at the commune, though most of my time is spent either walking the streets of Ponyville and the Night Market, or enjoying some of the local coffee.

[Seriously, he's probably spent so much time here that the baristas just have cups ready for him at any time.] Though my specialty is in serial homicide and criminal profiling, the... more friendly nature of Equestria has meant that I'm opening up my investigative skills to wider areas. If there's ever any need for my talents, please let me know. I will most likely be more than happy to help.

[And for the entire day, he's open for contact! Either over the scrolls, or face-to-face over a cup of java.]

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This just means I should give you free food when you run by my stall, right? We need to keep our protectors well-fed!

[Happy zebra is happy, always.]

I hope you don't mind spicy!

Heh, well. Even if that's not what I intended, I'm certainly not one to refuse free food.

Spice, though... not my favorite flavor profile, but I can tolerate it at lower levels. We'll see the next time I'm around.

If I'm cooking up an order just for you, I can adjust it, too. Besides, you may not be in the mood for Pandarian cuisine every day, I am sure!

Though I do pride myself on having a variety of things, including portable food...even in a four-legged form.

[And Jou grins.] So what do you like, so I know in advance?

Hmm... baked goods. Biscuits, pastries, things that go well with a good cup of coffee... though usually Sugarcube Corner does well enough for that.

Otherwise, my tastes usually run carnivorous, which is a problem here. Honestly, I'll try anything at least once.

Well, you understand, the pastries and such, I do leave to Sugarcube Corner. They have perfected the art, and I think it would be a disservice for me to offer a product I would call inferior, in the light of their expertise!

I do not do breakfast foods, but perhaps lunch or dinner fare? And I do plan to attempt to import some meat goods from Griffaltar, eventually. Originally I was a bear, of sorts, so I do not shy from working with meat, if I have it!

[Once again, the zebra is grinning.] You can take your pick. And then once I do get meat specials in, I will let you know!

I don't call you York. I think I'm going to call you Hadrosaurius Jones.

..... well, um... I don't really suppose I can stop you...

Certainly a new one to be called, Zach. Let's hope it doesn't stick.

[A tiny Discord whispers into York's ear:]

And I'll call you in there Alejandro!

[RUDE. Though there's no answer from Zach, York swipes at his ear, trying to get the invader off. Get yo own space, Discord.]

[Tiny Discord gives a tiny screech of agony, before flying apart into many glittery pieces.]

[Haha, check out this nerd. Who would actually hire someone who looks like that? He doesn't even look like he has any super powers.]

Yeah, I gotta job for you.

[Oh wait, never mind.]

[Ah right, the griffon that completely humiliated himself as soon as he came in. This'll go well.]

And that would be?

[You mean was extremely awesome and made out with like a million chicks.]

I need you to find a single girl here...

...who has...

[You ready?]

...boobies.

[... he's trying not to laugh. He's trying.]

I... um. Unless you're talking about the species of bird, in which case I'd direct you to Fluttershy... pretty sure you're out of luck.

[Disappointed Dandy is disappointed.]

And you call yourself a special agent! You didn't even try.

If you haven't been able to tell how... animated this world is, then I'd suggest seeing an optometrist. I've been here for about 10 months now, and except for one random event during April Fool's, there hasn't been... anything that matches what you're looking for.

Again, unless you mean the bird. [And amused York is amused.]

You've been here for ten months and haven't even bothered looking? What the hell kinda man are you?

[Yes, that's exactly what he took out of that. Clearly this man is a genius.]

I have been here for 10 months meticulously typing up profiles on the populace, as well as monitoring the scroll network when I have time. I'm nothing if not observant, Dandy.

... do you think I'm being trolled, Zach? [Oops, no longer talking to you, weird lecherous space griffon dude.]

[Blown off by an invisible man? WELL, two can play it this game.]

What the hell am I even whispering to?

[Take...that!]

Look pal, you said you'd help and I don't see much helping. So you're either a liar or the worst secret agent to walk this planet. Choice is yours!

[Rude, Dandy. Rude.]

If I happen to see something that matches your description, believe me, I'll let you know. I just don't want to waste my time. Or yours.

[Excuse?]

Boobies are never a waste of time, baby. You better call me the moment you spot some, or so help me.

Then you can do your own investigations. I have other things to be worried about.

That's just what I'd expect from the worst special agent on the planet.

Tell me, what is the 'FBI'
And the meaning of the badge I spy?

The FBI is, back home, the Federal Bureau of Investigation: a sort of government level policing agency. I work as a special agent there.

For some reason, the acronym on my badge changed to stand for the Canterlot Royal Investigation Bureau, which is an agency that... doesn't seem to exist? It's still a bit confusing.

Perhaps its existence is hidden
And knowledge forbidden?

Possibly. Either it's just this universe playing some fun, or I'm accidentally revealing an internal agency that nobody knows about. Either way, I tend not to worry too much about it.

[He turns away from the scroll, speaking to nobody.] Though, Zach, it's possible that it could exist in an alternate Equestria... multiverse theory given enough chances, y'know.

So despite this agency's nonexistence flaw
You are an officer of the law?

An officer of some law, somewhere, yes. Though more of an investigator than a beat cop.

So you reason with logical tricks
And solve via analytics?
A useful skill
If it lets you spill
The secrets here
Where we all appear.

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14th Profile - [Visual/Action]

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