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mylittlejamjar2014-10-07 10:27 pm
APPLE FACTS 9: More than 2,500 varieties of apples are grown in the United States,
[Hope you like just staring at an empty wrestling ring painted a gaudy orange and red. Well, it’s not entirely empty, as there is a rather large, crotchety raccoon just laying in the middle of the ring. Someone shoved a little black t-shirt on it though it’s hard to tell since it’s not moving. Is it sleeping? Dead? It’s pretty hard to say, perhaps as hard to say as to why anyone would show this to others.
And then Jappleack just comes from the side of the screen, pulling herself up by one of the side cords of the ring to land in it. She thinks it looks bad ass, though how much it really does is hard to tell. She’s wearing a black t-shirt like the raccoon, though it’s easier to see that on the front of it is written in white, and sloppy, lettering “HATE MACHTENE”. It doesn’t appear to be stitched on - really, it’s like someone tried to paint it on the fabric.]
Hey funkers. I know we’re talking about getting along and that’s great, but we all have some aggression we have to get out still. So I’d like to suggest a fun and awesome way that allows everyone to beat the crap out of each other without any hard feelings.
It’s called wrestling, and it’s awesome.
[And there’s a surprise Strong Bad! He’s added white markings to his black markings, making him look like a depraved football fan. He’s morally opposed to shirt-wearing, of course, so instead he wears a black rag around a foreleg with a snake design painted on it.]
And if y’all don’t know what that is, basically, you throw yourself at someone and pin them down. When they can’t get back up, you win. Actually, uh---I”m thinking this could go wrong a few different ways. Maybe we should demonstrate.
Yeah so what you do is beat the other person up like this-
[Which is when Jappleack throws a hoof at Strong Bad’s stomach - not hard enough to really hurt him, but enough to get the point across-]
Then you pin their asses to the ground like this.
[Which is when she’ll be trying to force him to the ground to pin him to the ground.]
That’s pretty much it. I mean usually it goes on longer than that but that’s the basic idea of what you do whup the other dude’s ass. But the assbeatings are actually the least important part of wrestling. Cause if the fighting was the biggest part we could just be starting brawls in the bar or something. It’s about beating up others, but it’s also about putting on a show.
[Strong Bad grunts pitifully, really drags it out...and then bounces back up with a smirk.]
Yeah. Most wrestling you see on TV is totally fixed. All those rivalries are scripted by execs in board rooms, and every match’s outcome was planned months in advance. The Ponyville Wrestling Federation, I can assure you, is gonna be entirely legit.
BUT that doesn’t mean you can prance in here like this is a game of horseshoes. You’ve still gotta get yourself wrestling names. And a costume, if you want. When you’ve got your name and your look, come see us at the Slamatorium.
Gotta decide where you stand too. You can be a face or a heel - that’s a good guy or a bad guy, you don’t know how to speak this shit. Anyone can come wrestle, even if you’ve got super powers and crap, but either keep that shit to a minimum or don’t use it at all. Think you can use it to put on a good show? Sweet, do that. But no one wants to see Jackass Poweroverwhelming punch Goober McNormal’s face for a full five minutes without any give and take.
….Also? Try and keep away from Ricky if you can.
[She gives a look over at the raccoon.]
I mean, you can try moving him you wanna, but it’s your funeral if you try.
no subject
Jus' sayin' yer beat, sorry.
no subject
[She is deadly serious about this. More than anyone ever should be.]
Cause we can go right now! Oh yeah! You just meet me at my farm and we'll settle this right now!
no subject
[ She bears her teeth. ]
no subject
Let's do it! My farm in fifteen! I'll show you who knows more about eating apples motherpuncher!
no subject
[ She gets there in ten, having run over as fast as her four legs could carry her. She looks around for the orange pony. ]
[Action]
Jappleack, of course, is standing behind the set of five bushels, smiling like a smug mother if there ever was one.]
Well I got mine. There's yours, over there. Ten minute time limit sound good to you?
[Action]
[ She waddles over and positions herself next to one of the bushels. To be honest, it looks like too many apples for her to eat in that period of time. But damned if she'll be turning down a challenge. ]
Re: [Action]
Go.
[To be fair, the bushel Japple gave Kyouko is pretty packed. But so are the five she has herself.
Speaking of which.
At 'go', Japple pounds the handle of her first bushel, sending it tumbling into the air, tossing apples everywhere. Not to worry though; not a single apple manages to hit the ground, JA catching each expertly in her mouth. Her mouth, for that matter, seems to expand. Comically so, to the point where it's larger than the mouth of the bushel basket, and the apples damn sure disappear down it. It's maybe ten seconds before the first bushel is devoured.
For the second, Japple just buries her head in the basket, devouring apple after apple with alarming speed. Still, not as fast as the first bushel.
Japple guesses she should give Kyouko some sort of chance.]
[Action]
Okay, so. Some ponies have weird powers here. Her friend included, apparently.
She starts attempting to swallow the largest pieces that she can. Her throat can't get down an entire apple, and she nearly chokes, slowing herself down for a moment, but then she's off to the races, chomping on the fruits with one or two powerful bites and then painfully gulping them down.
Jappleack is way ahead of her. ]