[Well look who it is. The little orange pony is sitting on a crate outside her farm, holding a small knapsack at her bottom hooves.]

Hey losers. Just calling in to say I'm out this bitch.

Like, not forever or anything like that. Just for a little while. I guess if I really got one thing out of the Gala that I can really talk about, it's that there's a shitton of other ponies in different pony lands and all that here, which really isn't the case in my own world. There's pretty much just Ponyville and Canterlot and that's it for pony lands. And while I've been all about trying to help this world and all that, I haven't really gotten to know the world here.

So I'm going on a trip to see all the shit that's out there. At least kind of. I don't know when I'll get back. See, my plan is kind of like this.

I'm going to walk West. And I'm going to keep walking West until I can't actually walk west anymore, which is when I'll be coming back. Shit seems pretty calm for now, on the whole, so hopefully I'll be back by the time this gets zany again.

Guess I'm mainly posting this to ask who wants souvenirs and shit, cause I'm not bringing back something for everyone. You tell me if you want something, that way I know.

So it looks like my ass has actually stayed stuck here for a full year, which I guess is kind of damn near amazing because you'd think the thing keeping us here would have gotten tired of my ass by now. But hey tell you what: because I'm in such a damn good mood, let's celebrate. You come to my farm today and if you're able to tell me an accurate fact about apples, I'll give you something nice. P.S. what I'm giving you is gonna be some kick ass apple shit.

Other than that know I've been asking for a lot of help lately but I gotta ask for a little more. So this Gala thing...what the hell is the business for this shit? Like, fanciest dance I was ever at was prom, but I suspect spiking the punch with Jack Daniels and cough syrup and necking in the janitor's closet is probably gonna get my ass thrown out of there a shitton quicker than it did at prom. I mean hell, I'm usually up for raising a ruckus but, you know. Kind of like to just have a nice time for once.

Already got a dress worked on and on the way, just need to know if there's anything else I need to avoid aside from how it's bad manners to flip tables over or punch a waiter or something.

Everyone shut up.

[Oh look who's back. And looks like she just woke up from one of the longest sleeps imaginable, and not one fraught with pleasant dreams. She had taken at least a little time to go through the scrolls when she got back, see how everything else had went and what was being said.

She almost wished she hadn't.]

Before we get this shit tour on the road, step one, let's clear something up. This bullshit is only one person's fault. This sure as hell isn't the fault of anyone who went in and and it sure as hell isn't Dandy's fault for trying to get everyone I dragged in out, it's my fault. I was told this was a dumbass idea and I didn't listen. There'll be more on that shit in just a minute but hey before we go there I have crap I need to tell you about what we found out inside this goddamn thing.

Calice has changed the palace in Canterlot into some kind of freaky-tiki mad science laboratory. It looks like some 90s villain corporate asshole had a field day designing their hideout and then devolves into shithole dungeons where she keeps anyone who disobeys her and anyone who she's bringing in from other worlds. She puts you in a little asshole cell and gives you the bare minimum of food we eat here, and then she stares at you like a shithead and changes your soul so it's ready to become a pony if you're a newpony she's bringing in here. If it's someone who's disobeyed her it's pretty much the same thing except it's just staring and staring until she gets whatever information she damn well wants. She's got rooms too where she has the princesses captured, has her own Element bearers stashed away, and has the element bearers from here that have disappeared held up, because bitch has to have this shit under wraps. Turned the goddamn throne room there into...hell. I dunno. it's a room that leads to outside now and back to a building where she's keeping...where I'm pretty sure she's keeping Twilight. Or her. Or goddamn whatever is happening now maybe I'll put this shit in writing because I can barely understand it. I can't focus enough on it because it was a mindscrew and I just...hell, I...just...

Shit.

...I thought this could've worked. I guess I thought, hell, I dunno, that maybe hearing everyone else would flip some switch and...

...The third time we went in went so well. She actually responded. And I thought that, maybe, she'd respond more if it was with others she recognized. I guess I thought it'd work like some kind of magic goddamn lightswitch and that while it wouldn't solve all our problems it'd help make headway. And then I thought it'd help if others knew who she was and was about and...

I over did it. I was told by others who knew better than me that I was over doing it and I didn't listen. I just thought that...the last time, if we took a step forward and I was part of the group then...hell, actual bearers would take it even further. Ponies who were a shitton more natural and better than me at this crap. But I screwed up. I was wrong, because I didn't know what the hell my dumbass actually thought aside from something magical was going to happen because I'd been shown this could work. I jumped the gun, I screwed up any progress we'd made doing this before because I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. I lost Fluttershy because of it, and I hurt all of you.

You all are behaving in some dumb bullshit over this. You want to know who's at fault? It's me. You want to know who to blame, blame me. You want to get angry at someone over it and mess with them, mess with me.

For that matter, now that I'm back Air Jappleack is grounded. I'm not going to stop anyone dumb enough to try and find some way to go in, but I'm sure as hell not going to be dragging anyone else in there to get caught because of my dumb bullshit. I'm gonna tell you not to go in there because that thing is probably pissed the hell off and going to immediately jump on anyone going into it, but hell. What do I know.

I'm sorry. I know that doesn't mean or do anything at this point but I'm sorry. I thought....I dunno.

I thought this could work. But I didn't plan enough, I didn't have enough or given enough information, this is on me. No one else.

You wanna scream at me, I'll be here. You wanna do it in person, I'll be the asshole trying to meditate on Sweet Apple Acres.

( Private To Mane Six )

( Private to Dandy )

Hi suckers, it's your old buddy Jappleack giving you like, a ring on these stupid damn scrolls. You probably know me best as "that crazy maniac who keeps jumping into the weird bitch that's keeping us here", but I've got a special proposition for you: how would you like to be that exact kind of dangerous maniac?

See, I'm planning to head back into Calice when March rolls around with a few others, and you know what? I'm feeling so generous I'm going to be opening the gates to the public for a chance to go and have a look-see inside her this time around. You might be asking "but Jappleack can you really take all those people?" And the answer is hell no, I sure as shit can't take everyone who wants to come. We're going to have to limit how many others from outside the group I've got going we're bringing. So any of you who want to come, you can volunteer and from that pool we'll pick a lucky five.

How will we decide who gets to come? Simple. We're going to do it like any civilized people do it when they elect political leaders or lottery winners or virginal sacrifices: we're going to put names into a hat and then scoop those bitches out.

Couple things you should know before you decide you're going to jump your ass up to volunteer. First, I'm not going to bother telling you how dumb and dangerous this is because even I understand that shit. But I will tell you that time gets flashed right the hell up in there, so while it might seem like we're in her for a hour? A couple weeks might have passed here. So I'd have an empty ass schedule if you wanna come.

Secondly. we're here to do a couple things inside her. What we aren't going to be doing is goddamn rescue missions in trying to find people we care about and pulling them out or trying to attack and start a fight with this bitch. I understand you wanting to save the people you care about, but this isn't the time to try that yet. What I'm not going to be understanding about is if you decide the time has come to try and fight her and prove you're some damn big hero inside of her. You wanna be a dumbass who'll endanger themselves then more power to you dipshit, but you aren't getting everyone into trouble because of your hero complex or inferiority complex or whatever it is. I mean you here especially, little blue. Anyone who tries that shit is a one and done deal; you ain't coming around for a second ride.

So, with that all out of the way?

Who's ready and willing to do some of the dumbest shit they could do in their lives?

[The feed opens on Crmsn talking to a photograph rather abruptly.]

-even reminds me of Serre a bit...definitely has that same tenacity as the kids. You'd never think they'd run out of steam. I think you'd like her. She's gettin' married soon too...I know right? Never thought I'd have the chance to give someone away at least for another twenty years.

[He's sitting by the window of his room, half draped across the sill in the early morning light, with a stuffed purple rabbit nestled up in the crook of one of his forelegs, and smiling wistfully at a photograph.]

Hey love...It was Valentines Day recently y'know. Well...not what they call it here, but the sentiment is the same....

[He shifts a little and softly taps the photograph with a hoof.]

Wonder what you did for yours. Probably would have spent it in the lab, working on the next big project. Heh...y'know that's something I miss the most I think. Sitting back to back in the lab and knowing you were there. That any time I could just turn around and smile at you and...and you'd look over and smile back.

[His voice softens considerably.]

...I miss you, love. I miss the kids...I miss our home, and our friends. There's a big gapin' hole in my heart...I keep tryin' to fill it up, but after a while...there's just nothin' to grab onto. Isn't anything I can do about it either.

[He sniffs, then scoffs a little and covers his eyes with a hoof. Voice going from low to strained.]

I feel like I'm slowly losin' your face. I think that's the biggest hurt. All I have is this damn photo...this world couldn't even let it be normal...had to mess with it and make it different too. I think if it wasn't for that magic of yours I'd-

[He shifts to reflexively rub at his chest, a pained expression pulling across his face.]

You're so close and so far away. I can't reach you...m'not gonna stop trying though.

[He takes a shakey breath and lets it out hard...then pulls the photo up and gives it a gentle kiss. He settles on the sill, half cradling the picture and the rabbit protectively.]

[Let's put on a tough face. Perfect. Ready? Go!]

Uhh, so- say ya wanted to make a treat as a present for somebody who ain't all that big on sweets. What the hell d'you even make?

[Head turned away, he rolled his shoulders in a devil-may-care (or as much as he could manage) shrug.]

I-I'm just curious, damn it! I ain't goin' anywhere with this!

Oh- Shit, hold on a sec-

[He reached out of frame, and retrieved a handmade sign:]

Accepting COMMISSIONS!

Handmade dolls, accessories and clothes!
Also available for cloth repairs!

Not starving: Tip what you feel!

...Y'know, since that Hearts n' Hooves thing is comin' up. I can deliver anonymously when it's done or hand it over so you can do it yourself. It don't matter. Leave a note in my drop-off box at the Commune - ya want the purple door, can't miss it - or toss a scroll at me.

[Private to the Mane 6 and All their Variations]

Hi. Uh. I usually don't answer a lot of these when you girls private them to us because a lot of the time I'm not sure it includes me but I've got some serious shit I need to ask you all about.

You probably know me but if you don't I'm Jappleack, the Danny Devito twin to Applejack's Arnold Schwarzenegger, and pretending you all get that joke and moving on, you probably know me from my smash hit "Jumping into the Pale Pony", a tune so great I've done it three times now. In a little bit, I think I'm going to be doing it a fourth.

So here's the deal. If you can, you really think you can? I want any of you to come with me.

See, I think talking can work with her. Last time myself and a few others tried it and it...didn't go great, but she reacted. And if there's anything we can do, not just to stop this but to help her, it's going to be by confronting her with words. Of showing we care.

So I wan't to take a group of us, at least one of each of us, in to her to talk with her. I'm not going to push for this; if you don't think you could do it, don't. I don't want to put anypony in more danger than they think they can deal with. But I think it'd have a pretty damn good chance of working.

That's all I got.

[Private/Team Dandy]

Yo mofos I'm checking in to make sure all of you are still alive and kicking here. It's been a while since we dove into our host here. I'm thinking it might be a good idea to try again soon, and I've got a proposition about our next trip when y'all are ready.

I don't want to do it before Hearts and Hooves Day, she seems kind of...active during holidays. I'm thinking maybe near the end of February or beginning of March, whichever you nerds want to do. Either way, I kind of get the feeling we should move soon. I dunno.

I feel like something big might happen soon.

I flaked up. And I'm sorry.

I could take about all the shit that's been going on recently or how these Wendygus brotherhuffers had control of me or whatever but shit doesn't matter. I'm sure there'll be more and more ponies showing up on here to apologize and I just needed to get mine out.

Sorry. I promise if you try talking to me know I won't hit you.

[Private to Cameron]

Especially you. Holy hell, kid, are you alright?

Oh... oh, it's goin'! [Wow, crap, how does he do this!?]

Uhh- yo! Name's Kanji. Been here for a little while. Took me a while to work this scroll stuff out, but I-I got somethin' to ask.

[A hoof lifted and went behind his head, ruffling his mane as he looked away.]

I went a little overboard back when I was makin' Hearth's Warming presents for my friends here, and wound up with some extra stuff that needs a home. Anybody want these?

[He turned his body, and on his back are three plush dolls: A deep purple rabbit, a light blue dragon, and a tawny brown sparrow. They're very elaborate.]

Cute, right? Makin' stuff like this is just a hobby of mine, nothin' pro... but I can make clothes and stuff too if peop- er, ponies want 'em. I'm takin' a couple days off next week for my birthday, but other than that I'm pretty free whenever to put stuff together.

[An awkward pause. His eyes shift up, then left as he tries to think of something else to add.]

Uhh... Yeah, that's it.

[This is the heir to a small family business, folks.]

[It's been awhile since Reimi showed up on the scrolls; she became rather busy helping Nozomi and Jou with the shops with Hearth's Warming, but something has been on her mind, and was not the new year a chance to work on things? To that end, she appears thoughtful, and a bit pensive.]

My apologies for my silence on the network lately; the work for the holiday took up much of my time, as well as the tests we had at school.

I...have a question for you all. A few weeks ago, the one known as Diamond Tiara insulted me with the term 'blank flank', and as I did not understand the meaning, I looked into it...and what I have heard regarding this upsets me a little.

In this land, it is said by some that not having a Cutie Mark is a curse, that one does not have a destiny or talent. I...do not believe this to be true. Arceus created all of my kind with individual talents, and special powers.

But becoming a human, then pony, has made me wonder about my own, and my destiny. Do I have those as well...and what might they be? I have always thought of myself as Erika's starter, her Pokémon and friend, and still do. But...is that all? Is there more beyond that? I..am not sure how to begin this search.

Are there any among us who started as I, and gained their Cutie Mark? If there are, I would appreciate hearing your tale. Even if there are not, I wish to...what is that term...'pick brains'? I wish to hear what everypony has to say of the situation.

Well I sure as shit RSVPed. I mean hell if they're going to be so nice that they're gonna put me in their magazine a second time I'd be pretty damn rude of me not to. They're working their asses off to make me a star so I might as well grace them with my presence since they seem to want it so damn bad.

But hey, before we start deciding how we're going to burn their shit down - and I know this is going to sound hypocritical as hell of me - maybe we should try and play nice?

Look. These clowns want to see what we're like, right? So let's show them. Hell, even show them your rougher spots, you wanna. But don't show them the absolute worst you've got that isn't really part of you that they're trying to make in you. We've got an opportunity to prove who we are by going to this thing. So hell.

They wanna show us some movies? Let's go and watch their movies. We'll show them something else in return.

Seriously. Even if you aren't thinking of going right now? Consider it. It's gonna be a waste if you don't.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

MY SECRET WORK IS COMPLETED!

And now...

[Luna throws off her towel in full pony glory as steam rises from a walled off area. There's a massive hoof-built structure with steam from the huge area bordering Sweet Apple Acres less used areas of land as she throws the doors open. Inside there's a huge walled area, some labeled Stallions, Mares, Mixed, Oversized.]

IT IS TIME TO PARTAKE IN THE FIRST PONYVILLE HOTSPRINGS! Come my faithful friends, let us bathe in its warming waters on the edge of the Whitetail Woods!

I simply must thank the good ponies at Canterlot Power and Electric for supplying the hook up to the power grid to empower the steam system.

COME HAVE A BALL! FIRST ONE INTO THE POOL!

[And she leaps in and comes out soaking wet with a laugh as the scroll floats to the side.]

[The scrolls open to a smiling pegasus, with a red scarf around his neck and small white cuffs around all four of his legs. (Visual reference!) These scrolls were his way to communicate with the rest of the world, right?]

Hey! Nice to meet you all. My name's Tails, and I'm new here. [He's learned a bit about Equestria from a friend of his in the last place he found himself. He extends his wings, and then realizes he has them.] Huh. I have wings, so I guess that means I can still fly, too!

Though I do have one question... [He motions to his wrench that's lying on the ground.] How d'you hold heavier stuff with your hooves? I can't really fix or build things like this.

(The scroll immediately opens up to a worried pink filly who looks like she's been pulling her hair for the last half hour or so.)

H-hello, everyone. It's Madoka again. I'm...not really sure what happened, but Mami-san and I were eating lunch together and...and then she turned into this bright light and went away. She didn't say where she was going or anything like that! She just...disappeared. I'm really worried about her.

A-and the house, too. The bills came in today and I don't have enough money for them. And I don't want George to go hungry. Are...there any seasonal positions open? I can work after school and on weekends...anything, really. I just...

(She's been thinking too much into this, clearly. Poor kid's worrying about both the loss of her friend and the adult responsibilities she's inherited. It's a little overwhelming and the shaking filly is really not in the right mindset to deal with all of this.)

visual

[ Harvest season's coming along, and apples are being bucked down at a healthy rate. The amount of ripe apples on the trees has caused Flutterbat to surface more frequently; perhaps, late at night in the orchard, you've witnessed a shadow flitting around the trees? But now that only a few of them are left, the batpony has grown hungrier. Fluttershy has to take care of her.

When Fluttershy opens up her scroll (at the entrance to the Everfree Forest), she's out of breath, and the fangs are receding into her gums. Flutterbat is particularly grumpy today, and Shy's having some difficulty keeping her under wraps long enough to make a message for the Apple family.

Well, she intended it to be just for the Apple family, anyway. ]

A-A-Applejack? It's, um... well, it's me. And... and I know Fl-Flutterbat's caused a little bit of... of trouble this season, but... well, she's running low on apples, and I know it's a lot to ask, but I was wondering if we could, um... just- set aside a tiny bit of the harvest for her, so she has something to munch on through the colder months? She's been a little, um... upset, lately, and... I-I know it is your harvest, so you don't have to, but... if there's any way to-

[ She's been nervously rubbing at her ear as it shrinks back to normal, only now she freezes, a look of panic in her eyes. ] Did I...

[ Examining the scroll, she realizes her mistake. The message is broadcasting to everyone. Everyone. All she can do is stare at the scroll in horror for several seconds, before snapping it shut. ]

[Everyone will see Strong Bad surrounded by a variety of props: a few trees, some scarecrows, a cart crudely dolled up to look like a futuristic car, a nunchuk-gun, a throne with thorns sticking out of it, and a black electric guitar with red streaks. His mane is tied back for once, and he's sporting a pair of bright orange shades. He's grinning, clearly excited about something.]

Listen up! I know y'all have been busy fluffing your fluff pieces, barbing your dark-umentaries, and punching out action scenes for your film projects, but if anybody's looking for an amazing last-minute career opportunity? I've got one with your name on it, in neon lights. Under my name, of course.

Back home, I'm something of an awesome director, writer, and actor. The triple threat. My crown jewel was the Dangeresque trilogy: the gripping tale of a top-notch secret agent and his team of varying levels of competence, solving mysteries and jumping off tall buildings. This'll be a total reboot of the concept: new characters, new dangers, more horses. That last one's made it kind of hard to hold a gun, but I'm finally getting to a point where I might be able to make this movie.
( opportunity of a lifetime right here )

 

[Hope you like just staring at an empty wrestling ring painted a gaudy orange and red. Well, it’s not entirely empty, as there is a rather large, crotchety raccoon just laying in the middle of the ring. Someone shoved a little black t-shirt on it though it’s hard to tell since it’s not moving. Is it sleeping? Dead? It’s pretty hard to say, perhaps as hard to say as to why anyone would show this to others.

And then Jappleack just comes from the side of the screen, pulling herself up by one of the side cords of the ring to land in it. She thinks it looks bad ass, though how much it really does is hard to tell. She’s wearing a black t-shirt like the raccoon, though it’s easier to see that on the front of it is written in white, and sloppy, lettering “HATE MACHTENE”. It doesn’t appear to be stitched on - really, it’s like someone tried to paint it on the fabric.]

Hey funkers. I know we’re talking about getting along and that’s great, but we all have some aggression we have to get out still. So I’d like to suggest a fun and awesome way that allows everyone to beat the crap out of each other without any hard feelings.

It’s called wrestling, and it’s awesome.

[And there’s a surprise Strong Bad! He’s added white markings to his black markings, making him look like a depraved football fan. He’s morally opposed to shirt-wearing, of course, so instead he wears a black rag around a foreleg with a snake design painted on it.]

And if y’all don’t know what that is, basically, you throw yourself at someone and pin them down. When they can’t get back up, you win. Actually, uh---I”m thinking this could go wrong a few different ways. Maybe we should demonstrate.

Yeah so what you do is beat the other person up like this-

[Which is when Jappleack throws a hoof at Strong Bad’s stomach - not hard enough to really hurt him, but enough to get the point across-]

Then you pin their asses to the ground like this.

[Which is when she’ll be trying to force him to the ground to pin him to the ground.]

That’s pretty much it. I mean usually it goes on longer than that but that’s the basic idea of what you do whup the other dude’s ass. But the assbeatings are actually the least important part of wrestling. Cause if the fighting was the biggest part we could just be starting brawls in the bar or something. It’s about beating up others, but it’s also about putting on a show.

[Strong Bad grunts pitifully, really drags it out...and then bounces back up with a smirk.]

Yeah. Most wrestling you see on TV is totally fixed. All those rivalries are scripted by execs in board rooms, and every match’s outcome was planned months in advance. The Ponyville Wrestling Federation, I can assure you, is gonna be entirely legit.

BUT that doesn’t mean you can prance in here like this is a game of horseshoes. You’ve still gotta get yourself wrestling names. And a costume, if you want. When you’ve got your name and your look, come see us at the Slamatorium.

Gotta decide where you stand too. You can be a face or a heel - that’s a good guy or a bad guy, you don’t know how to speak this shit. Anyone can come wrestle, even if you’ve got super powers and crap, but either keep that shit to a minimum or don’t use it at all. Think you can use it to put on a good show? Sweet, do that. But no one wants to see Jackass Poweroverwhelming punch Goober McNormal’s face for a full five minutes without any give and take.

….Also? Try and keep away from Ricky if you can.

[She gives a look over at the raccoon.]

I mean, you can try moving him you wanna, but it’s your funeral if you try.