HOOVESWEEK 4

[ponymeisters]

[Morning, Equestrians! It’s that time again, and the newsponies have a new, fresh stock of Equestria's most-read magazine!]




Earthquakes ruining perfectly poised soufflés baked across the lands of Equestria, pirate pillow fights, vicious cockatrice statues that turn ponies to stone, and a changeling therapist in Ponyville? Hold onto your horseshoes, ponies, because this edition of Hoovesweek is packed full of juicy scandal, eye-witness testimony, and the most important information you’ll read today!

Other Top Stories Include:
Title: It Starts With an Earthquake: Running of the Leaves Excitement!
by Whinny Bruce (Editor’s Note: Mr. Bruce is not afraid. Despite being seismophobic.)

Title: Celestia’s Old Shame: The Bertha Origin Story
by Fair N. Balanced

Title: Doctor, Doctor! Ponies Reign Triumphant Over Cockatrice Threat!
by Keith Olbercolt

Title: Twilight Sparkle: A Tale of Two Mares
by Lesley Stall


BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE:

-A report on the strange message that appeared at the end of the Running of the Leaves. What horrors await on Nightmare Night and who is 'her'? Nightmare Moon?! The author offers their wild speculations.
-Profiles for each of the top three racers in the Running of the Leaves. Unfortunately, the author seems to have honed in on the negatives, focusing on Nephenee’s ‘unintelligible’ accent, Pollo’s blank flank, and Reginald Jeeves’ apparent connection to one Bertram Wooster, the stallion who broke Fluttershy’s heart at the Sweet Apple Acres hoedown. The author suggests Mr. Jeeves may be the reason for that nasty break-up.
-An eye witness account from a Very Grateful Ice Creamer of the Wondrous Bolt rescuing a foal from a run-away apple cart and taking them out for ice cream after. And saving the ice cream stand from bankruptcy. It would seem the mysterious heroine is actually a hero! And he’s been named accordingly. Thank you, Wondrous Bolt! Thank you!
-A further report on the disappearance of needed rainclouds. The problem seems to be spreading to Baltimare and Hollow Shades now, with local authorities stumped.
-An op-ed of the fabulous Rarity’s fall and winter line-up. The reviewer has favorable commentary on the fashions, but seems to focus an awful lot on the designer's ‘captivity’ with Zetta and what that might mean for her reputation.
-A gossip report on one of the new ponies, a Gentarou Kisaragi, bursting into rainbows when in the presence of a honey-colored pony. Speculation is rampant on just how likely it is a pony can be talked to death. Also, was that a dragon kissing her?
-An eye-witness account of one pony who saw the changeling ‘therapist,’ Hain, gorging himself on emotion. They’ve never seen something so vile! It’s an outrage, the princesses letting his sort run free. At least that’s what the witness thinks. The author is surprisingly balanced, mentioning several other ponies who have expressed appreciation for the changeling’s advice.
-In entertainment and foaleign news, the latest pop sensation out of Japonī, FOALMETAL, are coming to Equestria for a five month tour. They will be hitting up concert venues from Fillydelphia to Tall Tales, so be sure to check your local ticket seller for dates!
-An interview on Discord by...Discord, detailing an extraordinary aerial pillow fight. It devolves rather quickly into arguing about which Discord won the fight. (Editor’s note: We don’t know how this keeps getting in. We’ve given up trying to get rid of it.)

So come one, come all, and read HOOVESWEEK! Only 5 bits a copy - now and forever!

((OOC: As usual, feel free to react, or comment on those stories, or even make up seeing others in this issue!

Original picture credit is here.))

Comments

[tinkertytonk]

"You mean for passengers?" Bertie was not a little gobsmacked at the notion. He'd heard about Alcock and Brown in their bomber, of course. You couldn't walk a step that June without someone enthusing about the British aviators who'd flown across the Atlantic in less than three days. The way Harvey's talking, though, it sounds like it's something far more common. Bertie had taken the stallion as the sort of chap who did what he did for the love of it more than the compensation.

"Hah! Well, I'm blowed, old top." He shook his head. "When we get home I shall be doing nothing but pulling my hair out waiting for the future to come." That gave him a thought. "Do you think I might meet you one day? Provided we're all whisked back to the times approp., I mean. Ahah... I imagine I'll be a very old man when you're still bobbing along in garden of youth."

[millionbitpipes]

"...huh." Harvey honestly hadn't given much thought to that. Now, he hadn't remembered any of the stuff that happened on the Satellite when he'd gone back home, but this seemed a lot more magical than that had been. Maybe it'd be different. Really, if any universe would let you remember...

"Well, geez. I was born in '77, so you'd be pretty darn old even if you went right then. Doubt you wanna go around Chicago stalkin' newborns, though." If he even made it to that age, Harvey thought, in his typical way of making everything completely awful. "You wouldn't get anythin' out of it anyway, it ain't like I'd recognize you."

Wait. Should he warn him about the whole World War II thing? That could certainly put a damper in Bertie's chances of seeing 1977. "Kid, didn't you say you lived in London?"

[tinkertytonk]

"Oh, dear, you're very young... in the future." The trouble with discussing matters of time travel reared its spiny little head again. It was very strange to think he was technically ages older than the other stallion given their birth years.

"I am from London, though, yes! I live in Berkeley Mansions, flat 3A, on Mayfair." Procuring the flat had taken no small amount of work on the part of Bertie's solicitor, but he considered it worth paying the man for his work. "It's hardly a trip or two over the shoes from all best shops in London. I do wish there was some way to show you."

[millionbitpipes]

"Tell ya what, if the kid ever invents time travel, I'll pay you a visit." Honestly, Harvey wouldn't even consider that particularly surprising anymore. Getting absorbed by an eldritch horror from a Pokemon game kinda rendered a lot of things much less impressive than they might have been.

Luna darn it. "Alright..." How did you even phrase somethin' like this? "Listen. You oughta move away from there sometime. Maybe head over to the U.S. or Canada or someplace. Before 1939."

[tinkertytonk]

"You'd really come visit? Oh, that would be brilliant!" Bertie practically beamed. "I'd have to take you to the Drones. You'd just be the thing with some of those fruity songs you've got. And you must meet my tailor. I could have him do up a new suit for you. He's very good. Dinner at Simpson's-in-the-Strand, of course..." The prospect of this visit was leaving him giddy, and it probably wasn't even going to happen.

"But what's this about 1939?" He cocked his head, curious. "Does something happen?"

[millionbitpipes]

Fruity songs? Sometimes Bertie's idea of acceptable slang terms hit kinda a weird note...but his enthusiasm was always enjoyable. "Sure," Harvey agreed with a faint grin. "If I ever end up in the 1920s, you'll be the first guy I call."

The smile quickly faded, however; why'd he brought this up right now? It could've waited. Though of course, one of them could always disappear tomorrow without a trace, so maybe not. "Yeah...there's gonna be a war."

[tinkertytonk]

Bertie just stared at Harvey for several seconds, uncomprehending. A war? Ah! Ah, that had to be it. The pegasus smiled kindly at the mistake and the other stallion's concern. "I think you've got your dates mixed around, Harvey. The war started in 1914. No need to worry. I was in school the entire time. I understand it was very exciting for our lads leading the charge on the continent, though. Ginger's cousin got a medal at some battle or other."

[millionbitpipes]

"What?" Harvey frowned at Bertie for a second, before realizing the problem. "No, kid, that was World War One. I ain't talkin' about that one."

[tinkertytonk]

"One?" Which implied there were multiples. "But... who?" His ears went back. "That... that doesn't make sense, old sport." Confusion was writ on Bertie's features from his furrowed brow to his down-turned mouth. He shakes his head. "The Great War was meant to stop all that. We sent the Huns running with their tails betwixt their legs. Why would anyone do that again?"

[millionbitpipes]

Harvey just sighed and shook his head. "Why do people ever do anythin' like that, kid?" He could probably give a few reasons, but that'd get straight into Nazi territory, and...well, tellin' the kid somethin' that could save his life was one thing. Tellin' him about a million awful things he couldn't even hope to stop was another.

[tinkertytonk]

This exciting conversation about touring and airplanes had taken rather a left turn down a crooked back alley for gloomier quarters. Bertie hadn't really understood why the first war had happened. A second one seemed absurd. At least half a dozen members of the Drones with older brothers or cousins didn't have them anymore, though it wasn't really the thing you talked about over tea. The war happened. It was over now and it wasn't meant to come back.

But there might be a spark of hope yet! "Do we win in the end?" he asked, leaning in toward Harvey in earnest. He was about half a hoof away from grabbing the other stallion and insisting he tell Bertie they win.

[millionbitpipes]

"Yeah." Harvey leaned his head back away from the other stallion a smidge, though he resisted the urge to actually take a step back. He'd been the one to upset Bertie, after all, should've expected that kinda reaction. "Yeah, we win. Ain't been another world war since." Other wars, sure, but nothin' he thought Bertie really needed to worry about.

[tinkertytonk]

The pegasus relaxed, slumping back onto his haunches in relief. The crumbled Hoovesweek he'd been keeping under his wing fell out and bounced away. It reminded Bertie why he'd been talking to Harvey in the first place. "Glad to hear that, then, old boy. Hurrah for our soldier Johnnies! I'll make sure to be away somewhere safe." Along with anyone else he might be able to warn.

"I should probably go check with Jeeves on the matter of touring, then, what?" And other matters. Several other more pressing matters. He scooped up the wayward copy of Hoovesweek to keep Harvey's eyes from wandering. "We'll ring round to your house once I've got him to say yes to the thing."

[millionbitpipes]

"Alright, you can swing by whenever." He'd probably be in, considering the streets outside were all lined with these darned Germanes. Harvey intended to finish up whatever business he had out here now, then get home and hunker down until Oktoberfest was over.

Of course, now that business also included buying a copy of Hoovesweek. Once Bertie was well out of sight, that is. At least hearin' that they'd won the war seemed to have cheered him up; Harvey would've hated to leave him like that.

[tinkertytonk]

"Righto!" He nodded, then breathed deeply, steeling himself for what was to come. "Pip, pip, then!"

The pegasus bounced into the air and flitted away. It didn't even occur to him that Harvey might make use of his absence to read the dratted paper. After all, Bertie had taken his copy away with him.