1st Revenge [Visual]

[angry_jerk]

[Today on the scroll network, the pony community may get the distinct honor of meeting this lovely batpony. The one glaring at the feed.]

Alright, here's how this is gonna work. Whoever is in charge of this vacuous collection of depravity, send me home immediately. Even if you do not, I will be merciful and choose to simply OBLITERATE this asinine carouse of deceit!

If you heed my words and don't try to bilk me of my safe return, I will try and forget that I have been kidnapped against my will, transformed into this abomination, dropped off in some candy coated sinkhole, with-

[He pauses mid-rant.]

On second thought, SCREW THE DEAL! I'LL ERADICATE WHATEVER MALEVOLENT JERKWAD THAT THINKS IT CAN STULIFY ME BY TURNING ME INTO A HORSE! I'll PURVERIZE YOU! I’LL EVISCERATE YOU! I'LL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!

[He finally stops to take a deep breath.]

...So, get back to me when you get this.

...I'm Dan.

Comments

[tinkertytonk]

Well, we haven't got giant robots or aliens, but I did see a giant dragon flip a four-headed hydra over on its backside before sending it packing under the threat of a pair of enormous swords. There's also a chap who can rip souls out of their bodies and stuff them into miniature figurines. And from what I've heard from the others, all sorts of monstrous creatures lurking in the Canterlot archives.

I'm also fairly certain we've got heroes of the super variety. Ms. Fluttershy and her friends banished someone named Nightmare Moon with laser beams... though I'm still not entirely sure what those are.

[angry_jerk]

...Okay, so there will at least be a modicum of entertainment while I find a way home.

[tinkertytonk]

Scads of it for a given value of 'entertainment,' I shouldn't wonder. There is also a local bar if you're wanting to brace the metaphorical spirits with the more physical sort. You'll probably need a bit or two to start you off. I'm happy to chuck a bit of the good stuff your direction if it would help to settle you in.

You might be here for a very long time. It's already been six blasted months for me.

[angry_jerk]

Eh. Could probably use a good drink every once and a while.

Finally someone gets me some compensation for my pain and suffering. Gimme gimme!

Yeah yeah, whine whine whine, that doesn't help me much.

[tinkertytonk]

[It isn't often Bertie levels a soupy expression at someone, but this fellow really seems to warrant it. And having learned from the best in Jeeves, it's extremely soupy, edging into stewy territory. His voice is light and brisk, however.]

Dan, old fruit, I wonder if you've ever learnt anything about manners in your time?

[angry_jerk]

[He responds to that expression with a disgruntled glare.]

I wonder if you ever learned how to mind your own business.

[tinkertytonk]

Not typically where chaps who are drinking on my pocketbook are concerned, no.

[angry_jerk]

I wouldn't drink right away. During the celebration of how awesome I was for beating up the bad guy, on the other hand...

[tinkertytonk]

Do you often go about beating up bad guys, then? There's one in a castle in the woods that could use tending to if you're looking for something to keep you occupied.

[Sending out the poor sod after Zetta is, perhaps, a little unfair, but he hasn't actually seen Dan in action. He might really be a match! And a vitriolic lout is more manageable than an endearing lout who wants to turn Equestria into a netherworld.]

[angry_jerk]

Depends. What did he do to me?

[tinkertytonk]

It's really more what he might do to you. You remember the mention I made of souls being parted from their bodies? He's the chap who does that sort of thing.

[angry_jerk]

Soul stealing, eh? So... he's in charge of temp workers or something?

[tinkertytonk]

[Bertie blinks, uncomprehending.]

I'm afraid you're a minor mystery, Dan. What has a temporary work force got to do with sucking out souls?

1/2

[angry_jerk]

[He shakes his head sadly.]

Oh, you ignorant fool. Don't you see?

2/2

[angry_jerk]

TEMP WORK HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THE STEALING OF EARTHLY SOULS.

[tinkertytonk]

[The dramatics only serve to amplify the confusion.]

Really? I thought they were just laborers who filled in in a pinch... like when the footman's out sick or the gardener's on vacation.

[angry_jerk]

Oh sure, it seems perfectly plain and innocent. But as the dull, endless hours drag on, you feel your enthusiasm for life itself dimming. The only thing left is pressing those meaningless buttons and waiting for your paycheck to clear and the time to pass.

Also, pleasant demeanor and work ethic aside, your boss is a demon from hell.

[tinkertytonk]

I haven't got a boss. [There's some mild scandal in those words and even more in the next.] I'm a gentlepony, not a chap for hire. [Well, okay, he's working on the Apple farm at the moment, but that's to make up with Applejack. It hardly counts as he isn't getting paid.]

[angry_jerk]

...Three things:

1. Gentlepony?! Really, we're... still doing the pun thing? UGH.

2. Allow a little second person narration to brighten up your meaningless existence, Jay McInerney.

3. WELL, LOOK AT MR. HOITY TOITY UPPER CLASS HERE! THINKS HE'S SO GREAT BECAUSE HE'S GOT THE LITTLE GUY RUNNING AROUND, DOING WORK FOR HIM. MEANWHILE, HE SITS IN HIS IVORY TOWER, ENJOYING HIS POWER TRIPPING-INDUCED LUNACY!

[tinkertytonk]

[He'll give Dan the first point, he doesn't understand the second, and the third, well, that's entirely a mischaracterization!]

I'm not a lunatic! Nor do I happen to live in a tower. I occupy a perfectly respectable flat in Mayfair, thank you very much.

[And he's really not getting anywhere with this. At least Dan doesn't appear to be bent on murdering one of the princesses now. Bertie huffs.]

In any case, Dan, welcome to Ponyville. You'll find me at the commune, as mentioned, should you wish to collect for that drink. Tinkerty tonk! [And he means it to sting as he rolls up the scroll before a response can be made.]