mylittlejamjar | 1st Revenge [Visual]

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1st Revenge [Visual]

[Today on the scroll network, the pony community may get the distinct honor of meeting this lovely batpony. The one glaring at the feed.]

Alright, here's how this is gonna work. Whoever is in charge of this vacuous collection of depravity, send me home immediately. Even if you do not, I will be merciful and choose to simply OBLITERATE this asinine carouse of deceit!

If you heed my words and don't try to bilk me of my safe return, I will try and forget that I have been kidnapped against my will, transformed into this abomination, dropped off in some candy coated sinkhole, with-

[He pauses mid-rant.]

On second thought, SCREW THE DEAL! I'LL ERADICATE WHATEVER MALEVOLENT JERKWAD THAT THINKS IT CAN STULIFY ME BY TURNING ME INTO A HORSE! I'll PURVERIZE YOU! I’LL EVISCERATE YOU! I'LL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!

[He finally stops to take a deep breath.]

...So, get back to me when you get this.

...I'm Dan.

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I WILL FIND YOUR HIDEOUS, PROBABLY OBESE, CHILDREN AND GOBBLE THEM UP!

Uh huh...right.

(Yup definitely one of the crazies, he is.)

You're only making yourself look stupid, you know. And twisted. Kinda like those villains you mentioned earlier.

YOUR FACE IS STUPID, TWISTED, AND VILLAINOUS!

Now you're just being a foal...well, more of one, anyway.

I bet you're one of those ponies who're all bark and no bite. At that volume, I'm not sure if you even have a nibble.

MY "NIBBLE" IS ME RIPPING THAT INANE HORN OFF YOUR HEAD, AND STABBING YOU EIGHTY-THREE TIMES!

SO YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET TO MY BITE!

Wait for this, wait for that...is that all you're good for? Empty threats? You're only going to put me to sleep with those tall tales. I might be inclined to believe you if you actually did something...but I suppose you'll make me wait for that, too?

[Dan was trembling in sheer rage. Red was clouding his vision. All he wanted to see was this mare BURN. He sputtered and stammered in pure hatred, unable to think of any words to articulate his complete disgust.

...And then he remembered his back-up insults.]

O thou caitiff! O thou varlet! O thou wicked Hannibal! Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I’ll spurn thine eyes like balls before me! I’ll unhair thy head! Thou shalt be whipped with wire and stewed in brine, smarting in lingering pickle! By this hand, I will supplant some of your teeth.

(Chrysalis had to admit: she wasn't expecting much from Dan and she especially wasn't expecting archaic insults to be thrown her way. His efforts are met with the most sarcastic round of applause she can muster, complete with a condescending smile to go with it.)

Well well well...so you're a literate heap of shame and worthlessness. Either that or you must've stood up all night memorizing that so you can use it at the right time. Either way, let me spell it out for you: making an enemy out of me will be your greatest mistake.

I memorized it because I LIKED IT! Unlike your uncultured brain, I have class.

[He scoffs loudly.]

I don't make mistakes. I make people like you suffer.

I'd like to see you try, bats-for-brains. You'll keep me waiting until Hearth's Warming, won't you? I'll get the store nice and cleaned up for you.

You... I... crush...

[Shaking in rage, unable to say anything with any actual merit, Dan resorts to the next best option.

He lifted his arms into the air and screamed into the sky.]

HAAAAAAARRRRRRVEEESSTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Translation: Dan Vs. Chrissy has begun.]

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