APPLE FACTS 9: More than 2,500 varieties of apples are grown in the United States,

[caneattheseapples]

 

[Hope you like just staring at an empty wrestling ring painted a gaudy orange and red. Well, it’s not entirely empty, as there is a rather large, crotchety raccoon just laying in the middle of the ring. Someone shoved a little black t-shirt on it though it’s hard to tell since it’s not moving. Is it sleeping? Dead? It’s pretty hard to say, perhaps as hard to say as to why anyone would show this to others.

And then Jappleack just comes from the side of the screen, pulling herself up by one of the side cords of the ring to land in it. She thinks it looks bad ass, though how much it really does is hard to tell. She’s wearing a black t-shirt like the raccoon, though it’s easier to see that on the front of it is written in white, and sloppy, lettering “HATE MACHTENE”. It doesn’t appear to be stitched on - really, it’s like someone tried to paint it on the fabric.]

Hey funkers. I know we’re talking about getting along and that’s great, but we all have some aggression we have to get out still. So I’d like to suggest a fun and awesome way that allows everyone to beat the crap out of each other without any hard feelings.

It’s called wrestling, and it’s awesome.

[And there’s a surprise Strong Bad! He’s added white markings to his black markings, making him look like a depraved football fan. He’s morally opposed to shirt-wearing, of course, so instead he wears a black rag around a foreleg with a snake design painted on it.]

And if y’all don’t know what that is, basically, you throw yourself at someone and pin them down. When they can’t get back up, you win. Actually, uh---I”m thinking this could go wrong a few different ways. Maybe we should demonstrate.

Yeah so what you do is beat the other person up like this-

[Which is when Jappleack throws a hoof at Strong Bad’s stomach - not hard enough to really hurt him, but enough to get the point across-]

Then you pin their asses to the ground like this.

[Which is when she’ll be trying to force him to the ground to pin him to the ground.]

That’s pretty much it. I mean usually it goes on longer than that but that’s the basic idea of what you do whup the other dude’s ass. But the assbeatings are actually the least important part of wrestling. Cause if the fighting was the biggest part we could just be starting brawls in the bar or something. It’s about beating up others, but it’s also about putting on a show.

[Strong Bad grunts pitifully, really drags it out...and then bounces back up with a smirk.]

Yeah. Most wrestling you see on TV is totally fixed. All those rivalries are scripted by execs in board rooms, and every match’s outcome was planned months in advance. The Ponyville Wrestling Federation, I can assure you, is gonna be entirely legit.

BUT that doesn’t mean you can prance in here like this is a game of horseshoes. You’ve still gotta get yourself wrestling names. And a costume, if you want. When you’ve got your name and your look, come see us at the Slamatorium.

Gotta decide where you stand too. You can be a face or a heel - that’s a good guy or a bad guy, you don’t know how to speak this shit. Anyone can come wrestle, even if you’ve got super powers and crap, but either keep that shit to a minimum or don’t use it at all. Think you can use it to put on a good show? Sweet, do that. But no one wants to see Jackass Poweroverwhelming punch Goober McNormal’s face for a full five minutes without any give and take.

….Also? Try and keep away from Ricky if you can.

[She gives a look over at the raccoon.]

I mean, you can try moving him you wanna, but it’s your funeral if you try.

Comments

[kuukai]

Hey, some of us can heal. Ya countin' that as superpowers?

[caneattheseapples]

I am, but like I said - you can come in with powers, so long as they aren't weapons, but don't overuse that shit to the point where it's out and out unfair to anyone else.

Less about the fight, more about the idea of an assbeating. It's entertainment. Think of it like...

Like a wrestling show. Shit. I really don't know how to explain wrestling without talkin' about wrestling.

[kuukai]

[ Oh, she maybe wasn't listening during one part. Half of her attention was on this really good, juicy apple. Did she mention she has an apple?

Crunch. She has an apple. ]

Yeah, guess more blood s'gonna draw in attention anyway, right? 'm prob'ly one o' yer best competitors.

[ NOT TO BRAG ]

[caneattheseapples]

[Jappleack's ears just perk up at that. The mare could probably tell if someone was eating an apple all the way in the Crystal Kingdom. Seeing someone eat one just on the scroll is like having some asshole with a tricked out stereo system in their car just blaze right on by her with that shit at full volume.]

Got that right. We don't want too much blood - don't think too many ponies are going to go for it if it's too hardcore - but a bit of it always helps. Everyone loves seeing some dude just wail on another dude.

You sure? I mean I don't want to have to be responsible if your face gets jacked up or something.

[kuukai]

Jappleack, c'mon, I seen worse. Ya saw me freakin' decayin' when we got back from th'Pale Pony.

Besides, s'prob'ly th'other guy who's gonna need th'help.

[caneattheseapples]

Yeah, I know. I'd say you could make that your theme, but the less you decay probably better.

Hey speaking about that, I probably need some kind of nurse or shit for this. You can still fight and all, but how'd you like to put those healing powers to use. I'll pay ya.

[kuukai]

I heal myself, I don' usually...

[ Wait. The powers Hayate gave her. Also, Sayaka's corpse. ]

... yeah. Yeah, I could do that. Ya gotta have a Cure or a Sailor on hand, too, if 'm gonna be usin' my magic a lot.

[ But paying... ] Tha' doesn' sound too bad though.

[caneattheseapples]

I don't know what the hell those are, but sure. We'll see if we can find some.

Yeah, you can have all the apples you want. You know. Within reason, and when they aren't my personal stash.

[Because holy shit she really does not have any personal money. She could try taking some from the farm's profit, but she'd feel like a real scumbag doing that.]

[kuukai]

[ Much better than bits. ] Awesome. S'a deal.

They're magical girls, by the way. Ones that aren' like me, don' have th' soul gem thing. Magic doesn' come cheap, ya know.

[ It would not help to suddenly unleash an eldritch being of destruction and terror on the proceedings. ]

[caneattheseapples]

[Good. She would've been disappointed if you had thought anything could equal an apple as payment, Kyouko.]

Nothing does. We'll see if we can nab one.

[She pauses for a moment. She'd been meaning to talk to you about this anyway, Kyouko. May as well.]

...I'm heading back in again. Probably soon.

[kuukai]

... Oh.

[ She doesn't look as eager as she did about the fighting. She swallows her worry and puts on a brave face. She's Kyouko, dammit, she should be all over this. ]

Din't ya get what ya needed ta last time?

[caneattheseapples]

Well. It's more like....

[I will let her in]

I'm kind of the bus for a bunch of idiots heading in there, more than anything, so we can talk with her.

[She must help me]

And I gotta tell you: no.

[I'm the only one left]

No, I sure as shit haven't gotten what I need to yet. And I'm not giving up until I do get it.

I'll be fine. Serious. But I thought you ought to know if I disappear for a while.

[kuukai]

A bus of... [ oh ] Dandy. So tha's what this is about.

[ ... But JA's conviction seems to be more than just being the bus. ] He came ta me abou' her, too. Changed my mind about her. She needs talkin' to.

... I don' know if I can come this time.

[caneattheseapples]

Yeah. He's a complete moron, but hey. Dude isn't all bad, I guess.

She does. I've...got a few things to say to her. Maybe. I'll let the dumbass try and work his 'magic' and see where it goes from there.

That's cool.

[And she smiles, because it really is. While Jappleack wouldn't try to stop Kyouko from coming, she'd really rather not just toss some kid into this thing with her again. She'd rather she got to stay here, being happy and doing whatever teenage things it was she was doing.]

Like I said: just know that's where I am, if I'm not around. And that I'll be back.

[kuukai]

Ya better be. [ She says it rather forcefully. ]

Don' leave without gettin' a milkshake or somethin' with me, jus'... ya know, somethin' normal. [ She has a new appreciation for normal. ]

Yer my friend an' I'm gonna miss ya while yer gone.

[ And she would go. She would protect Jappleack, or help, however she could. Fix this thing. Help the Pale Pony. But...

But now she really can't leave Teddie. And what's more, she has no desire to. ]

[caneattheseapples]

Shit, look at you. You're a mother hen, aren't you? Don't worry. Said I'll come back, didn't I? So I damn well will.

[She's trying to be smarmy, but at the same time? It's a little soft. Hell. She doesn't want Kyouko to have to worry about her. She wants the magical girl to have a chance to be an actual kid, like she never got to.]

Sure. Milkshakes or something normal. I'll let you know before we head back into this bitch so we can get one.

[She struggles on it for a moment. But in the end? Says]

I'll miss you, too.

[Not because she wouldn't miss Kyouko, or even that she's embarrassed to say it. Just that it sounds final, in a weird way, but that if it is somehow final and she doesn't come back?

Japple wants the magical girl to know where she stands.]

[kuukai]

[ Kyouko smiles back. ... It's good to have friends, honestly. This is a good feeling. ]

But only fur a little while, remember! Don' take furever like we did last time. Geez, people back home waitin' for ya, ya know?

[ She shrugs. ] But, yeah... I dunno s'so much I'm a hen, s'more like I jus'... what I'm fightin' for, it changes sometimes, ya know? An' how ya do it.

Maybe sometimes s'not fightin' tha' I need ta do. Sometimes s'just livin'.

[caneattheseapples]

[Jappleack smiles a little bit more. It's good - so good - to hear Kyouko say something like that.

But screw commenting on that there's something more important to talk about.]

Okay that's sweet and shit but...okay, wait. What's this "fur" thing you're doing are you making faking puns?

[kuukai]

... I jus' do it.

Furst I was doin' it without realizin', then I realized I was doin' it an' now I do it anyway.

'm a bear, s'what I do. S'like how yer a Jappleack, ya eat apples, tha's what you do.

[caneattheseapples]

Puns aren't the first thing I think of from bears but funk it. Good enough explanation for me.

Yeah, I'm the only Jappleack, and I'm the best at eating apples. No one has ever done it like me before, I'm a goddamn artist the way I eat them.

[kuukai]

... Well, Teds is a bear an' he makes puns. Tha's th'template 'm workin' off of. [ Whatever its accuracy. ]

However many apples ya've eaten, bet I could match it.

[caneattheseapples]

Hey.

You're going to want to back it up a minute. You're new to this whole 'eating apples' thing so I'm going to give you a chance to take that back before I gotta show you how we do down south.

[kuukai]

Bull! I been eatin' apples since wayyyy before I got here. S'my fav'rite thing. Plus, I can eat as many as I want. So.

Jus' sayin' yer beat, sorry.

[caneattheseapples]

You want to do this? You wanna go?

[She is deadly serious about this. More than anyone ever should be.]

Cause we can go right now! Oh yeah! You just meet me at my farm and we'll settle this right now!

[kuukai]

Yer the one makin' th'challenge! S'your funeral!

[ She bears her teeth. ]