mylittlejamjar | APPLE FACTS 9: More than 2,500 varieties of apples are grown in the United States,

[Hope you like just staring at an empty wrestling ring painted a gaudy orange and red. Well, it’s not entirely empty, as there is a rather large, crotchety raccoon just laying in the middle of the ring. Someone shoved a little black t-shirt on it though it’s hard to tell since it’s not moving. Is it sleeping? Dead? It’s pretty hard to say, perhaps as hard to say as to why anyone would show this to others.

And then Jappleack just comes from the side of the screen, pulling herself up by one of the side cords of the ring to land in it. She thinks it looks bad ass, though how much it really does is hard to tell. She’s wearing a black t-shirt like the raccoon, though it’s easier to see that on the front of it is written in white, and sloppy, lettering “HATE MACHTENE”. It doesn’t appear to be stitched on - really, it’s like someone tried to paint it on the fabric.]

Hey funkers. I know we’re talking about getting along and that’s great, but we all have some aggression we have to get out still. So I’d like to suggest a fun and awesome way that allows everyone to beat the crap out of each other without any hard feelings.

It’s called wrestling, and it’s awesome.

[And there’s a surprise Strong Bad! He’s added white markings to his black markings, making him look like a depraved football fan. He’s morally opposed to shirt-wearing, of course, so instead he wears a black rag around a foreleg with a snake design painted on it.]

And if y’all don’t know what that is, basically, you throw yourself at someone and pin them down. When they can’t get back up, you win. Actually, uh---I”m thinking this could go wrong a few different ways. Maybe we should demonstrate.

Yeah so what you do is beat the other person up like this-

[Which is when Jappleack throws a hoof at Strong Bad’s stomach - not hard enough to really hurt him, but enough to get the point across-]

Then you pin their asses to the ground like this.

[Which is when she’ll be trying to force him to the ground to pin him to the ground.]

That’s pretty much it. I mean usually it goes on longer than that but that’s the basic idea of what you do whup the other dude’s ass. But the assbeatings are actually the least important part of wrestling. Cause if the fighting was the biggest part we could just be starting brawls in the bar or something. It’s about beating up others, but it’s also about putting on a show.

[Strong Bad grunts pitifully, really drags it out...and then bounces back up with a smirk.]

Yeah. Most wrestling you see on TV is totally fixed. All those rivalries are scripted by execs in board rooms, and every match’s outcome was planned months in advance. The Ponyville Wrestling Federation, I can assure you, is gonna be entirely legit.

BUT that doesn’t mean you can prance in here like this is a game of horseshoes. You’ve still gotta get yourself wrestling names. And a costume, if you want. When you’ve got your name and your look, come see us at the Slamatorium.

Gotta decide where you stand too. You can be a face or a heel - that’s a good guy or a bad guy, you don’t know how to speak this shit. Anyone can come wrestle, even if you’ve got super powers and crap, but either keep that shit to a minimum or don’t use it at all. Think you can use it to put on a good show? Sweet, do that. But no one wants to see Jackass Poweroverwhelming punch Goober McNormal’s face for a full five minutes without any give and take.

….Also? Try and keep away from Ricky if you can.

[She gives a look over at the raccoon.]

I mean, you can try moving him you wanna, but it’s your funeral if you try.

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A bus of... [ oh ] Dandy. So tha's what this is about.

[ ... But JA's conviction seems to be more than just being the bus. ] He came ta me abou' her, too. Changed my mind about her. She needs talkin' to.

... I don' know if I can come this time.

Yeah. He's a complete moron, but hey. Dude isn't all bad, I guess.

She does. I've...got a few things to say to her. Maybe. I'll let the dumbass try and work his 'magic' and see where it goes from there.

That's cool.

[And she smiles, because it really is. While Jappleack wouldn't try to stop Kyouko from coming, she'd really rather not just toss some kid into this thing with her again. She'd rather she got to stay here, being happy and doing whatever teenage things it was she was doing.]

Like I said: just know that's where I am, if I'm not around. And that I'll be back.

Ya better be. [ She says it rather forcefully. ]

Don' leave without gettin' a milkshake or somethin' with me, jus'... ya know, somethin' normal. [ She has a new appreciation for normal. ]

Yer my friend an' I'm gonna miss ya while yer gone.

[ And she would go. She would protect Jappleack, or help, however she could. Fix this thing. Help the Pale Pony. But...

But now she really can't leave Teddie. And what's more, she has no desire to. ]

Shit, look at you. You're a mother hen, aren't you? Don't worry. Said I'll come back, didn't I? So I damn well will.

[She's trying to be smarmy, but at the same time? It's a little soft. Hell. She doesn't want Kyouko to have to worry about her. She wants the magical girl to have a chance to be an actual kid, like she never got to.]

Sure. Milkshakes or something normal. I'll let you know before we head back into this bitch so we can get one.

[She struggles on it for a moment. But in the end? Says]

I'll miss you, too.

[Not because she wouldn't miss Kyouko, or even that she's embarrassed to say it. Just that it sounds final, in a weird way, but that if it is somehow final and she doesn't come back?

Japple wants the magical girl to know where she stands.]

[ Kyouko smiles back. ... It's good to have friends, honestly. This is a good feeling. ]

But only fur a little while, remember! Don' take furever like we did last time. Geez, people back home waitin' for ya, ya know?

[ She shrugs. ] But, yeah... I dunno s'so much I'm a hen, s'more like I jus'... what I'm fightin' for, it changes sometimes, ya know? An' how ya do it.

Maybe sometimes s'not fightin' tha' I need ta do. Sometimes s'just livin'.

[Jappleack smiles a little bit more. It's good - so good - to hear Kyouko say something like that.

But screw commenting on that there's something more important to talk about.]

Okay that's sweet and shit but...okay, wait. What's this "fur" thing you're doing are you making faking puns?

... I jus' do it.

Furst I was doin' it without realizin', then I realized I was doin' it an' now I do it anyway.

'm a bear, s'what I do. S'like how yer a Jappleack, ya eat apples, tha's what you do.

Puns aren't the first thing I think of from bears but funk it. Good enough explanation for me.

Yeah, I'm the only Jappleack, and I'm the best at eating apples. No one has ever done it like me before, I'm a goddamn artist the way I eat them.

... Well, Teds is a bear an' he makes puns. Tha's th'template 'm workin' off of. [ Whatever its accuracy. ]

However many apples ya've eaten, bet I could match it.

Hey.

You're going to want to back it up a minute. You're new to this whole 'eating apples' thing so I'm going to give you a chance to take that back before I gotta show you how we do down south.

Bull! I been eatin' apples since wayyyy before I got here. S'my fav'rite thing. Plus, I can eat as many as I want. So.

Jus' sayin' yer beat, sorry.

You want to do this? You wanna go?

[She is deadly serious about this. More than anyone ever should be.]

Cause we can go right now! Oh yeah! You just meet me at my farm and we'll settle this right now!

Yer the one makin' th'challenge! S'your funeral!

[ She bears her teeth. ]

Oh-ho-ho-ho FISH YOU!

Let's do it! My farm in fifteen! I'll show you who knows more about eating apples motherpuncher!

Yer on, sucker!

[ She gets there in ten, having run over as fast as her four legs could carry her. She looks around for the orange pony. ]

[She isn't hard to find, thanks to the massive sets of bushels she has set out. There's a set of about five bushels in one group, and then just a single bushel to the side.

Jappleack, of course, is standing behind the set of five bushels, smiling like a smug mother if there ever was one.]

Well I got mine. There's yours, over there. Ten minute time limit sound good to you?

Ya got it. Ready?

[ She waddles over and positions herself next to one of the bushels. To be honest, it looks like too many apples for her to eat in that period of time. But damned if she'll be turning down a challenge. ]

Damn right.

Go.

[To be fair, the bushel Japple gave Kyouko is pretty packed. But so are the five she has herself.

Speaking of which.

At 'go', Japple pounds the handle of her first bushel, sending it tumbling into the air, tossing apples everywhere. Not to worry though; not a single apple manages to hit the ground, JA catching each expertly in her mouth. Her mouth, for that matter, seems to expand. Comically so, to the point where it's larger than the mouth of the bushel basket, and the apples damn sure disappear down it. It's maybe ten seconds before the first bushel is devoured.

For the second, Japple just buries her head in the basket, devouring apple after apple with alarming speed. Still, not as fast as the first bushel.

Japple guesses she should give Kyouko some sort of chance.]

[ Kyouko can only eat as fast as a bear can. She has a fair bit of capacity (which is to say, she is using her magic to make the food disappear from her stomach as fast as she can eat it -- which is a good use of magic and nobody can say otherwise), but she can only chew so fast. She glances at Jappleack and she has to pause a moment in surprise.

Okay, so. Some ponies have weird powers here. Her friend included, apparently.

She starts attempting to swallow the largest pieces that she can. Her throat can't get down an entire apple, and she nearly chokes, slowing herself down for a moment, but then she's off to the races, chomping on the fruits with one or two powerful bites and then painfully gulping them down.

Jappleack is way ahead of her. ]

APPLE FACTS 9: More than 2,500 varieties of apples are grown in the United States,

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