1st Revenge [Visual]

[angry_jerk]

[Today on the scroll network, the pony community may get the distinct honor of meeting this lovely batpony. The one glaring at the feed.]

Alright, here's how this is gonna work. Whoever is in charge of this vacuous collection of depravity, send me home immediately. Even if you do not, I will be merciful and choose to simply OBLITERATE this asinine carouse of deceit!

If you heed my words and don't try to bilk me of my safe return, I will try and forget that I have been kidnapped against my will, transformed into this abomination, dropped off in some candy coated sinkhole, with-

[He pauses mid-rant.]

On second thought, SCREW THE DEAL! I'LL ERADICATE WHATEVER MALEVOLENT JERKWAD THAT THINKS IT CAN STULIFY ME BY TURNING ME INTO A HORSE! I'll PURVERIZE YOU! I’LL EVISCERATE YOU! I'LL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!

[He finally stops to take a deep breath.]

...So, get back to me when you get this.

...I'm Dan.

Comments

[tinkertytonk]

[Bertie frowns, more because he's concerned the fellow isn't going to like his answer to that than offense at the name-calling.]

I'm afraid all of our lives have been put on hold for a bit. Harvey's had this happen to him before, though. And Pinkie. Not this exactly. I mean, Pinkie's already a pony, so it's not so very odd to be one, but this sort of thing: Getting snatched up out of their lives for no apparent reason. They said time sort of stopped back where they'd been taken and when they got back it's as though they'd never left. So, really, there's nothing to worry about if you've got anything pressing on.

We are trying to figure all this out, but it's dashed mysterious. Pale ponies and birds disappearing in rainbows.

[angry_jerk]

[He nods a little at the info dump, but he rolls his eyes slightly.]

Time freezing and more dumbheads. Perfect.

Look, this is all really irrelevant to the fact that I? AM NOT HOME.

Besides, I doubt you and your crazy associates have any of the special cat food Mr. Mumbles eats. SO THAT'S NO HELP.

[tinkertytonk]

Mr. Mumbles? [He really can't just let that go. The fact that the stallion keeps animals is also, frankly, terrifying.] I-I mean, I'm sure they've got something that would do for him at the local petshop. Or Ms. Fluttershy's very good with animals. She'd be able to find something to suit even the pickiest little blighter.

[angry_jerk]

[He grumbles a little.]

They're better be! Mr. Mumbles deserves the best she can get. Even if it's from this horrifying wasteland of four-legged abominations.

[tinkertytonk]

[Bertie glances around at the lush grass and trees around him, then tries moving the scroll around as if that might have any bearing on Dan's side of the thing to try to get a look past him.]

You... are in Ponyville, aren't you? Colorful little houses. Friendly inhabitants. Water and plants... everywhere?

[angry_jerk]

[He glances around a bit.]

Yeah, that's the place. [He shivers a little.] Disgusting.

[tinkertytonk]

Might I inquire what sort of setting would be more to your taste? Something themed with rock, blood, and rather a lot of misery, at a guess.

[angry_jerk]

Eh. Maybe a little rock. Blood and misery are fine, as long as it isn't gratuitous. I'm thinking more giant robots fighting aliens sort of thing. Superheroes too.

[tinkertytonk]

Well, we haven't got giant robots or aliens, but I did see a giant dragon flip a four-headed hydra over on its backside before sending it packing under the threat of a pair of enormous swords. There's also a chap who can rip souls out of their bodies and stuff them into miniature figurines. And from what I've heard from the others, all sorts of monstrous creatures lurking in the Canterlot archives.

I'm also fairly certain we've got heroes of the super variety. Ms. Fluttershy and her friends banished someone named Nightmare Moon with laser beams... though I'm still not entirely sure what those are.

[angry_jerk]

...Okay, so there will at least be a modicum of entertainment while I find a way home.

[tinkertytonk]

Scads of it for a given value of 'entertainment,' I shouldn't wonder. There is also a local bar if you're wanting to brace the metaphorical spirits with the more physical sort. You'll probably need a bit or two to start you off. I'm happy to chuck a bit of the good stuff your direction if it would help to settle you in.

You might be here for a very long time. It's already been six blasted months for me.

[angry_jerk]

Eh. Could probably use a good drink every once and a while.

Finally someone gets me some compensation for my pain and suffering. Gimme gimme!

Yeah yeah, whine whine whine, that doesn't help me much.

[tinkertytonk]

[It isn't often Bertie levels a soupy expression at someone, but this fellow really seems to warrant it. And having learned from the best in Jeeves, it's extremely soupy, edging into stewy territory. His voice is light and brisk, however.]

Dan, old fruit, I wonder if you've ever learnt anything about manners in your time?

[angry_jerk]

[He responds to that expression with a disgruntled glare.]

I wonder if you ever learned how to mind your own business.

[tinkertytonk]

Not typically where chaps who are drinking on my pocketbook are concerned, no.

[angry_jerk]

I wouldn't drink right away. During the celebration of how awesome I was for beating up the bad guy, on the other hand...

[tinkertytonk]

Do you often go about beating up bad guys, then? There's one in a castle in the woods that could use tending to if you're looking for something to keep you occupied.

[Sending out the poor sod after Zetta is, perhaps, a little unfair, but he hasn't actually seen Dan in action. He might really be a match! And a vitriolic lout is more manageable than an endearing lout who wants to turn Equestria into a netherworld.]

[angry_jerk]

Depends. What did he do to me?

[tinkertytonk]

It's really more what he might do to you. You remember the mention I made of souls being parted from their bodies? He's the chap who does that sort of thing.

[angry_jerk]

Soul stealing, eh? So... he's in charge of temp workers or something?

[tinkertytonk]

[Bertie blinks, uncomprehending.]

I'm afraid you're a minor mystery, Dan. What has a temporary work force got to do with sucking out souls?

1/2

[angry_jerk]

[He shakes his head sadly.]

Oh, you ignorant fool. Don't you see?

2/2

[angry_jerk]

TEMP WORK HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THE STEALING OF EARTHLY SOULS.

[tinkertytonk]

[The dramatics only serve to amplify the confusion.]

Really? I thought they were just laborers who filled in in a pinch... like when the footman's out sick or the gardener's on vacation.

[angry_jerk]

Oh sure, it seems perfectly plain and innocent. But as the dull, endless hours drag on, you feel your enthusiasm for life itself dimming. The only thing left is pressing those meaningless buttons and waiting for your paycheck to clear and the time to pass.

Also, pleasant demeanor and work ethic aside, your boss is a demon from hell.