Looking at this rationally, I can only say a few words on this subject matter.

1. I was playing World of Battlecraft when there was a minor power surge here in Jersey. When I opened my eyes, I was here in this world.

2. I am out status screens. Which means that I'm definitely not in a video game. This happens when I watch Trapped in a MMO anime before bed, and I get some weird dreams.

3. It smells too nice, too clean, there's PONIES everywhere so either I got some of Loki's weird drugged punch in my face or this is Magical Pony Adventures and I am now in Planet Unicorn. If so, addendum to 3 in that I need to apologize for some fanfics.

4. Call Nakia or Bruno.

Nope. Phone's not connecting.

5. Have a freak out. And make sure not to bean my head on those little yellow boxes that guy Deadpool keeps talking about in every news report I read about him.

Leaning towards 6 as well: Try not to broadcast anything that might spook the natives. Got it. Perfect. Okay, here we go.

[Inhale]

HI I'M KAMALA KHAN AND I'D LIKE TO WAKE UP NOW, AND PLEASE LET ME OFF PLANET UNICORN!

Smooth.

[Unknown to her, any little yellow boxes she might have thought about italics miiiight be visible to anyone aware of the 4th wall.]

Man, a holiday without being shown horrific images of Christmases' that could have been or with the place trying to convince us to hate or kill each other? And here I was excited since I was back to hopping around stupid crap worlds like this that all that kind of excitement would start up again. It's just not Christmas anymore without the threat of death.

Which has me curious: for the rest of you who've been to other worlds like this, did they through all kinds of crap at you during the holidays too? I don't mean just all the people here who traveled through worlds; I mean anyone who went to one like this one, a weird encapsulated space that pulled other people from other worlds into it. I know there's a bunch of you from other ones. C'mon. Let's talk about old holidays and compare for fun's sake. Some of you gotta be nostalgic for places you left behind.

Oh. Yeah.

So since my awesome ice fort is still standing, I'll take that as you all accepting my winter domination and being the master of winter. Since you were all smart enough to do this, I'll show you just how nice a guy I am by not pouring slush on anyone passing by the market or main street for the next two hours.

After that it's fair game.

If anyone knows, knows of, or is any of the people listed here, I'd like to have a word in private. There are many things that I would like to talk about with all of you--it's been so long, and despite this not exactly being the highlight of my existence, there are a few people here I'd rather not forget.

( The List )

For everyone else: if you recognize anyone listed up there and they just so happen to be a loved one, or at least someone who had some effect on your life--they're safe. For now. After the killing games ended we were all revived by a great, prismatic deer god (who was pretty alright, as deer go), so at least the danger of being killed so that someone else can leave (or executed for being caught trying to do so) is over.

Most of us still died at least once. Some of us had better deaths than others.

You know what I just realized?

This will be the first Christmas without Mama or KFC.

I don't think ponies can eat KFC either, so that's out. And I don't think someone would like to cook a chicken for me either.

So that's out.

Gosh I'm getting hungry. Better get a hayburger...

[Tonight, like on many nights, the deep and usually reassuring voice of everyone's favorite community radio host has something to say!]

In case you were wondering whether or not any of the native Princesses escaped waking up as someone else this week... well, I can't say for sure but if any of them did, it was Cadence. She is very far away, after all.

Given that, it may not be a surprise for you to learn that I am not actually Cecil Palmer. I am Twilight Sparkle - the one not from Mayfield, of course - and I did not think I had been an alicorn long enough to be missing my wings already. Granted, I also feel kind of sick and am currently also accessing senses I didn't know it was possible for a pony to have, so there's more going on than that aside from even the most obvious thing.

If he is hearing this, I will ask that you please use my power responsibly, and that I will also be avoiding my own home out of respect for you, because you probably won't be staying there.

In other news, I am still considering whether to ban or mandate the showing of that movie York mentioned at the upcoming film festival, if anyone should happen to have it.

It's good to be back, Ponyville. I'll admit, I'll always cherish those few days I spent in definitely-not-Night-Vale, alongside a dreamlike facsimile of a man who was, unfortunately, definitely-not-my-boyfriend, but all things must come to an end. All things come to a terrible, unglamorous, and all-too-early end.

Well.

Rise and shine, fellow dreamers! Let us only speak of the past few weeks in hushed tones, and with shaking heads filled with embarrassment and regret. Now, as always, is the time for rebuilding. If you missed the grand opening of Cake and Sudoku, maybe now you can go on in and enjoy yourself after the rabid, sugar-crazed grand opening frenzy.

But first, a word from our sponsors.

[...well, when that's over with, he begins his next speech.]

Listeners?

I have been informed that Nightmare Night will soon be upon us. Now, as an outsider, I can't say that I fully understand the meaning or rituals surrounding this enigmatic holiday. I am only grateful that I was not chased out of town with explosives or farming implements, nor was I greeted with pointing fingers and shrieks of  "INTERLOPER!" , as is customary in Night Vale.

However, I have an announcement:

Blade Master Alastor has informed me that a celebratory Nightmare Night feast in a location that will be announced when the quarter moon rises and the void has swallowed yet another unlucky star--ooooooor whenever Asenath or Intern Marty hand me the envelope full of notes.

Ah! There we have it. Sorry, it's going to be held in the Ponyville town square.

There will be a potluck dinner and entertainment, so any local talent--culinary or otherwise--is encouraged.

So.

Do I have any volunteers?
 

As much as Hayate wants to fight Calice, she knows there's something more important to do.

Namely, making sure everyone that can't fight is safe. Which doesn't mean she can't contribute to the fight herself, of course, just that she'll be doing it at one remove.

"Anypony not directly fighting Calice, get to safety! Harvey, Bertie, and anypony that can sing, I need your help; come to the fountain in front of Town Hall and bring your scrolls!"

Hayate herself is directly in front of the fountain, her Stand summoned and clutching a guitar in its bird-like hands.

"Please, listen to my song!" ( Read more... )

So hey, what's up with the sun? You guys fix that yet?

Ha psyche, just kidding. I know you didn't. What the hell happened, when'd you people get so lazy?

[This was entirely necessary.]

[Oh hey, look, it's the bowl cut. But, wait she-]

GUYS, I NEED A DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

[She's so upset that she won't even wait for the narration, apparently...]

[Atop the highest tower in his castle, the Overlord stands, a deep blue figure against the bright blue sky. The smirk on his face speaks of nothing but confidence and self-satisfaction.]

Hey, Equestria. Look up.

[No sooner does he pronounce those words then the leading edge of a black disc surges across the sun high above, devouring its light in increasing gulps. Within seconds of its appearance, the great blackness eclipses the sun entirely. Darkness falls across the land like a shroud.]

[Mercifully, the eclipse only lasts a few seconds before the sun peeks around the corner of whatever is blocking its light. As quickly as it came, the black disc fades, relinquishing to the star its rightful place in the sky. Whatever it was, it can no longer be seen thanks to the solar brightness.]

[On the scroll, the Overlord's smirk has only grown wider.]

That one I call Nemesis. It's a planet I've brought in, with the fortunate property that it's just the right size to eclipse the sun for Equestria from where I've dropped it. You'll see its counterpart, Antithesis, tonight, when it blocks the moonlight from you all for a little while.

[Zetta casually polishes one hoof on the fur of his chest with an abstract amusement, letting that sink in.] Oh, I'm sure you're not impressed by a short eclipse each day... but I don't expect you to be. It'll take me a couple of weeks to get these things tidally locked, so they block the sun and the moon both, rise to set. So you might want to spend the next couple of days enjoying this whole 'light' thing. Pretty soon it'll just be a fading memory... and Equestria will be plunged into eternal darkness. No sun, no moon, and no hope.

Unless your Princesses cede rulership of the land to me.

Hey, it's better than eternal darkness, right? [Zetta smiles in false encouragement, making a 'come on' gesture with one hoof.] Of course if you doubt I'm serious, then I'm sure you could just do your best to take care of the crops and the animals and the weather and all that crap despite the diminishing sun. I figure you can keep it all together just fine if none of you waster your effort attacking me. At least, until eternal darkness falls.

Two weeks, Princesses. This world as a Netherworld is better than this world as a dead world.

-and that's how I successfully ate five whole cans of whipped cream.

[Wait this isn't her room, and this isn't a camera, and this isn't her body! All this can only mean one thing.]

OHMYGOSH~ Waddles do you know what this means? [And right beside her is a pig with a blank and somewhat dopey expression]

That's right! We're back in magical horse land! Dipper didn't believe me when I was here last, but hohoho the horseshoe will soon be on the other foot!

[Mabel then turns to the scroll and waves]

Hiiiii friends, I don't know if you remember me but it's me Mabel! Last time I was here it was foggy and weird, but I'm sure you all figured what was up with that!

Well everybody, what a month it has been! I can't imagine anything else that can threaten our colorful little realm for a long time. So, without referring to anything else too unknowable and panic-inducing, let's move on to the community calendar.

On Monday, Sugarcube Corner will be announcing their newest creation! What is it? I'm not sure, and I only shudder to think what sugar-fueled alchemy Pinkie Pie is capable of, but if you want to find out, well, make sure you get there early.

From Monday through Wednesday, there will be a beach party! I'm sure it'll be a blast for everyone involved, and we might even run into a few surprises! Completely pleasant and non-apocalyptic surprises, of course, I mean, what else is there? So, to prepare everyone for an evening full of sand and ceaseless festivities, I think I'd like to share some summer tips to beat the heat.

Always remember to keep yourself hydrated. Water makes up more than two thirds of your body, and if enough water is allowed to dissipate into the stagnant air, then two thirds of you might not exist.

Wouldn't that be unnecessary. And avoidable.

Stand up tall. Make yourself bigger than the heat. Most heat waves will take this as a sign of aggression and run back to the Everfree, but if you ever find yourself cornered by a wild heat wave, try playing dead. This should buy you enough time for the heat wave to pass and find other unsuspecting victims, leaving you, hopefully, very much not actually dead.
( More Community Calendar under the cut! )

[Well, look what the Pale Pony dragged in.

Don looks...well, contemplative, and drinking some tea at Saori's tea house. It should be noted that he's got several band aids on one of his front hooves.]

Hey, everyone, I'm back. I'm all right. Been better but...I'm all right. And - in case anyone was wondering - the whole timberwolf thing that happened a couple days ago in the Everfree was me. Hence the band aids.

[More or less. He sighs.]

Any update on what's been going on the past--week or so would be appreciated. Hoovesweek aside, of course, I'm well aware of that.

( [private to Cecil/Private] )

So seeing as how Hoovesweek hasn't changed any since I've been gone, and they're still massive jerks, I've got a question.

Has anypony tried to talk with them and see what their deal is?

I mean they have an office in Canterlot where their editor in chief is. I mean, come on, what if we all tried writing to these ponies? I mean some of them would have to respond, right? Or...

[Surprise pauses a minute, and mumbles, as if thinking to herself.]

Man, what if we went there to talk to them? Like not all of us, I mean that'd be crazy! I don't think all of us could fit into their offices unless they had, like, one of those sky-rises or something with the large water fountains in the lobbies and everything. I mean I guess they could have that. I don't think they do though. They don't seem like they got that many ponies working for them.

Uh. Sorry.

Anyway, what if a few of us at least actually went to try and talk to them? I don't see any kind of bad outcome from it you know? I mean what's the worst thing they could do any of us who show up? Write something nasty about us? This is just going on too long though, you know? And it's rude and annoying and it's getting...kind of aggressive. At least more than I remember it. So I don't see nothing wrong with trying to talk to and see what their problem is. I mean there's gotta be something we can do better than just getting mad at what they write.

[There's a very familiar stallion's face on the scrolls. His neck is badly bruised in places, and the bruises form a ring that is just the right shape and placement for a noose.

On his back is...a cat? Or rather, a very specific cat with an eyepatch, looking very unimpressed.]

It is so very good to be back, Ponyville.

Or, well...not. I have been gone from Night Vale for so long, Ponyville, and to be honest, I--

I miss Carlos too much. He's trapped in some desert hellscape now, and I ...I wish I could reach him again.

Nevertheless, Strexcorp has been banished from Night Vale forevermore, and Station Management--I mean, old Station Management--has returned! Which I'm pretty sure is a good thing. So, assuming that Equestria hasn't turned into some elaborate murder-school while I was gone...

I think I'll take the day off for tonight. Alastor, I have many things I need to tell you in person, and... I hope that Asenath has been alright for however long I was gone.

She can be so distraught if I'm not at the station every evening.